Good Manners

Courtesies Observed on the Path
When a dervish removes his shoes and walks through the entrance of the dergah or tekke, the sufi center, he leaves the everyday world with its worries and problems outside. The dergah becomes a school in which to practice adab, or good manners, proper behavior and courtesy. Many Shaykhs say that the path of the dervish is all adab.

It is essential to follow the laws and guidlines as given in the Qur'an. The basic principles are the same as the Ten Commandments; more details are given in the Fardz, or obligatory requirements. The principles of adab are: you go to the tekke not to show yourself off, you go there to learn, and the best ways of learning are listening and observing. You have to learn to treat others as brothers and sisters and decent human beings, and assume that everybody is more developed than you are. The tekke is the place to practice a humble self-effacing attitude to the Shaykh and the other murids. It is the place to learn service. One should speak softly, sit quietly, and follow the directions of the Shaykh or leader. The talk should focus on Allah, not our nafs (selfish ego). We aren't going to the tekke to gossip or to backbite. We're going there to talk about Allah so we can get rid of our negative habits. The aim is to control your nafs, your mechanical egoistic nature. That's why you obey the adab, because your nafs doesn't want to.

The key individual in all adab is, of course, the Shaykh. He is the one who sets the tone of the halka, circle. What will be studied in the gathering is the responsibility of the Shaykh, as is when the activity will begin and end. Communications pass through him. He is the first person the dervish greets when he arrives at the tekke, and the first one the dervish takes his leave of when leaving. The dervish asks the Shaykh's permission before undertaking any major decision, such as moving, traveling, or getting married. A good attitude to have is to talk with one's Shaykh at least once a week, if not more.

All instructions given by the Shaykh to murids should be treated as confidential, just as all personal issues discussed by the murid with the Shaykh are confidential. The dervish does not ask a fellow dervish about her practice or compare his to the others'. Practices are given for the particular person's guidance and most likely will be quite different than the others'. Discussion of "visions" and other spiritual phenomena are discouraged between murids because of the confusions, as well as subtle competitiveness, that may arise, unless they are being used in teaching by the shaykh to help the brother or sister murid.

The most destructive and damaging problem in a spiritual group is backbiting. Backbiting occurs when one or more people criticize the character of another individual who is not present. This kind of destructive behavior can destroy a learning circle, and once the damage is done it's difficult to repair. The tekke is the place where the nafs is gradually brought into alignment with Reality. It is therefore expected that conflicts will arise. Because of this, adab becomes a practice of extreme importance, not a mere formality.

You learn by listening and observing. If you want to say something while the Shaykh is talking or if you have a question, politely ask the Shaykh for permission to talk. The Shaykh might have you wait because what is coming through might be forgotten if he is interrupted.

You can show disagreement with the Shaykh or other murids in a respectful way (though this doesn't mean that you are right). If you hear something that you disagree with, put it in the "bag" behind you. If you hear something that you agree with, put it in the "bag" in front of you. There might come a time when you understand what you had previously disagreed with.

In a humorous vein:
Rule 1 is that the Shaykh is always right.
Rule 2, if you think the Shaykh is wrong, refer to Rule 1.

You can learn this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is by listening to your Shaykh. If you don't, then you learn the hard way.

Daravish (pl. of dervish) are free to join the halka of another tariqa and do their zikr if they have the permission of the Shaykh of that tariqa. Their adab should be the same as with their own Shaykh. If there are unique or different aspects to the adab of the other tariqa, they honor these also. If the Shaykh of the other tariqa offers the baraka, the blessings of his order in the form of biat (initiation, taking hand), the dervish should tell the Shaykh of her primary connection to her own tariqa and whether or not she has his Shaykh's permission to accept honorary biat. A dervish should ask to be released from her commitment to her own Shaykh before fully entering any other tariqa and taking full biat.

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